Too Much Time on my hands

Welcome to the High School Musical tickets we have a song to sing. Lots of songs and music. Oh what a happy day. We have another time to sing and dance. We try to look like pros. We forget out lines, why, because it is a high school musical! Welcome to the fun and sing a silly song. After all it is a high school musical!

Vick and Dogs

I am not sure about this one . . .


Michael Vick has to discuss his case with a judge walks in and says, "Yo! Dog!"

Well maybe. I am sure Vick will send a commercial collection agency to collect royalties from me, but that is beside the point.

This joke, I thought would go over better. But, alas it is did not. Students thought it was rather lame.

Hence the title, Lame and bad jokes are my speciality.

Have a happy day.

Not So Sure

I would like to come up with a lamely badly old joke for this week. Though I do not feel so funny. Nor do I feel funny.

So I thought. And I thought. Then I thunk some more.

A duck walks into a online furniture catalog and orders a PC.

The guy looks over the counter and down at the duck and asks, "Why do you want that?"

The duck responds, "Well I am tired of crashing in windows, I would like to be able to crash Windows."

At that hte clerk says, "Fatal Error and turns blue."

Well maybe not.

Open Bum Jokes

Okay, so there are many weird things out there like Dilbert and Dogbert going to a hobby shop and getting lost.

Today, I went took someone to the emergency room. Now, I have simple question, I mean just a simple question.

Those wonderful open butt gowns are the butt of many jokes. Why on earth would a hospital place a tag on them saying they are the property of.

Are these such a hot property that people are stealing them like crazy? Or am I missing something.

even more bad jokes

So how many lawyer jokes are there?


Three. The rest are true stories.


-----

My dog went for treatments and the vet looked and said, how long has your dog had this problem?

the dog replies, one woof.

Okay. Was that really that bad. Or was it just me.

in any case have a happy day.

A Bad Choice

So now that Hallmark has their Christmas junk out . . . it is time for christmas gift ideas, so as a public service here are some items not to get:

For Dad: a condom and a book on being discreet
For Mom: a basic cookbook
For Sister: a vibrator
For Brother: an vibrator for men
For Uncle: A book of bad jokes.


I will keep up my helps for the next several months.

Finding Video

I was looking for jokes on panties. To go with the padded panty idea. However, all I found were videos. Not let's be real. I am not into videos on the web. I think they are over rated.

There was a cool one of Chris Angel guessing colors of panties. That was a little weird. Of course I think he is a little weird. I am just not into tons of videos and watching youtube all day long.

Have a happy day

Old Ads

I was thinking of things the other day.

I really miss the old Samsonite commercials. The one that I really liked was the gorillia one. The gorillia would beat up the suitcase. And the idea was the suitcase was really tough.

I have always thought it was a really funny ad. Why are they not the same these days.

Have a happy day.

Trains

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying...

"All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now.. Cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your as*es on the train... cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a leasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the outdoor kitchen."


Okay I know this is really bad. But makes sense.

Oprea

You have asked for lame. You have asked for Bad. You have asked for Old. You have asked for Jokes.

Well three out of four ain't bad.


HERSCHEL WAXMAN, a Broadway treasurer of long experience and now vice president of the Treasurers and Ticket Sellers Union Local No. 751, recalls an incident that took place one day when he was the man behind the ticket grill: "We always have people complaining that they can't see or can't hear so they need the best home theater seating in the house. But one woman, she was classic. She needed two seats down front on the aisle because her husband had arthritis in his right leg. But his left shoulder pained him, too, and she didn't want him too exposed to the air conditioning. I said, 'So, you want your husband on the right aisle because of his bad right leg, on the left aisle because of his bad left shoulder, and in the middle, surrounded by people, because of the air conditioning?' She looked at me defiantly and said, 'Well, I'm paying.' "

-----


WHEN I was a university theatre director, my wife was once asked by one of her clients about her plans for the upcoming weekend. "I think I'll watch my husband's play," she replied. "Oh," the client said. "How many do you have?"

Another Bad Joke

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stools and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?


-----

I like this joke as it is easy to make laugh at the reactions of a drunk person. OF course the person has inflicted this upon themselves. The question is always, why?


Have a happy day

Counting the cost

Okay speaking of lame and bad things . . . I was wondering how many graduation announcements a college senior needs to send out to get $1000.

I mean why do you send them out. Simple. Cash. What better reason. then you have to write all those graduation thank you notes. And they have to be written by hand.

For the most part you now have to prove that you can read and write. And lord help you if you misspell something to Auntie Fru-Fru who was an english teacher.

How Many

Question: How many enginers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: Eight. One to actually screw in the light bulb. Five to discuss which way to turn the light bulb along with other options. And two managers to confuse the issues.



Question: How many Air Jordans does it take to cross the road?


Answer: Only two and depends on how fast you are running?

Drug Test Kit.

So I went to the store to pick up my faux wood blinds from them.

And I saw an odd thing. There was a home drug testing unit. First I did not know they have such things.

Second . . . well it was broken into and stolen.

What message does that send to your teen. I will give you a hint. A bad one.

Profession Jokes

Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."


and of course

"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."
"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."


Have a most happy day.

School Jikes

I am finding jokes for school to be good

Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk beds?


Becasue he had a high resting potential.

Okay I know that it is bad.


How much money do you have when you combine touch, vision, smell, hearing and taste?

Five Scents.


Okay more bad one.

Have a happy day.

More Jokes On Money

Bull Market is a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market is a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

An investment property is where you get property in which you cannot live.

Have a happy day

Clinton goes to Hell

Okay, I found a good about good ole' Wiley X aka slick willy, aka Bill Clinton


Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity. He opens the first door and Bill sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says, "Oh no. That's not how I want to spend eternity..."

The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."

The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex.

Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I'll take it!"

The Devil then says, "Good..... Hey Monica, you've been replaced..."

IS this Funny

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?...

The question of Incontinence is it funny or not. The general rule of thumb seems to be Incontinence is not funny, yet fart jokes are funny.

When the subject is incontinence supplies . . . that is funny.

So I am going to try to avoid the "Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?..." joke as it does not seem to be very funny. At all, but wait, there was priest, a pastor and rabbi walking down the street . . .

Have mirthful day. . .

in the Army now

The NCO Club in a steel buildings at a base had a new robotic bartender installed.
An NCO came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"

The NCO replied, "99."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.

The NCO listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score?"

The man responded, "70."

So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third NCO came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"

The NCO replied, "40."

The robot then said, "So, what's up in the world of First Sergeants, these days?"


------

Ok I know this is a variation of an old joke. I just love this idea, it makes me laugh. esp. with the 1st portion.

Santa's Windows

Santa enters a store that sell kids curtains.

He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesperson asked what size curtains he needed.

Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"

Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"


I warned you this would be bad. Of course if you just avoided windows

iCal Rocks

I was sitting in my office furniture and was thinking, and well read, that today is the birthday for iCal. I know many people do not know what iCal is . . . it is the most wonderful computer calendar program.

I have managed to switch to iCal and use it like crazy. iCal has been quite the helper for all the work I do. I have separate calendars for differing types. One for work, one for home and so on and so forth.

Have a happy day

Sparklers

You know, one of these days I knew it would happen. I will be able to recount the story when I am in my Orlando vacation home in the future.

I was lighting sparklers and having fun. When I pulled a really stupid idea. Let's throw a sparkler in the air. This was moments after telling my kids to behave.


Mine was caught in the tree. Grrr

A Store Event

I was at the store looking at theater seating and all of sudden . . . this huge person. And I mean huge person came in looking at the furinture. I felt bad for them. As she wanted a a bed and the salesman basically said he would not sell.

Why do I say this? It is not a joke. We need to treat people with dignity and respect.

Engineering

Dilbert had to do some market research for TBHP (the pointy haired boss). And of course everything goes wrong. Why is this? I am not to sure. However, I am convinced that things always fall apart when you mix two kinds of people together. OR mix anyone and engineers.

I once dated an engineer (wannabe) and it was not a lot of fun.

Have a happy day.

The Mouse

I was walking down the street past a Condo Hotels when a man screamed out. I ran over to see what it was.

And there was a mouse around the feet. So i quickly terminated the mouse. The guy looked rather shocked. He asked me how could I have killed the mouse? Simple you were scared and he was holding you hostage.

No he screamed at me, it is my rat that was held hostage, how can I ever find him.





Have a good day.

Sleep

Speaking of wanting sleep I should look at fixed asset accounting for extra help sleeping. I could count sheep but why bother.


Workng on four hours is never good for me.

Well have a most happy day out there in cyber land. And stay awake

Super Charge

I feel like I am haveing some Dell Memory issues.

my brain is not working, if only a small upgrade would work. Plug in a chip and wham bam thank you ma'am all new and better. Would be a good thing. I may be able to think again. Of course 8 hours of sleep would help also.

The End

So I have to get a student loan consolidation just in time for loans to go down. The Intrest rate is going up next week, Now I need to get it all together and lock in a lower rate on my loan. The bad part is that I will be paying for a long time to come.


Have a happy day.

My Decor

I am a firm beliver in decor. Mine is early american garage sale. With an empasis on the early Eisenhower period.

Since I am moving, we are thinking about discount furniture at a real discount.

Hummmmmm . A new couch. One that does not slouch. A color tv. Never mind have one of those. Still need one with a remote. Just kidding after al l Ido have a computer

Becasue

So a Hoodia is walking down the street looking for some fun.

It walks into a bar and says, "Gimmie a beer."

The Barkeep replies unto it, "We don't serve your kind here."

Offended the Hoodia looks back unto the barkeep and aske, "How could you do that? Why would you do that.

The bartender opens his mouth and speaks saying, "Because."

To which the creature gazes back and asks . . .

Here is the trouble, I need a punchline. Can you help?

Another Bad Joke

Welcome back to lame and bad jokes.

How many times did the pastor do a cash advance for the church.

Till they were broke.

Kinda lame. But what do you expect a Johnny Carson joke? Speaking of lame jokes, has Jay leno gone down hill or what? I mean he is not as ffunny as he used to be. Can we just get some clean jokes out there? Please.

I mean just a couple of nights of fun jokes that are clean? is that to much to ask. I think so

What do you get when . . .

Florida vacation

What do you get when you cross a mouse with a Florida vacation?

A mouse with orange juice that likes minnie.

No I do not think that one worked at all. I need to rework it so it will be funny. But it is lame. And I do like really lame jokes. Not to mention bad ones to.

You know the type that make you groan in great displeasure.

How many?

How many elephants can you get in a piece of luggage?

Well first you have to remove the pastor, the priest, and the rabbi.

Okay if you followed that one you are as odd of humor as I am. Why do I think of random stuff? Remember the title. This blog is called lame bad or old jokes. No where in that the time of lame, bad or old jokes do I imply they will make sense.

Check Writing.

I know this is not a joke but I am still trying to figure something out. At Wally world and other stores they take your check and run it and give you a recipt and destroy the check.

So why do people take out check book and writing pens and search for who knows what just to write a check?

Hand the cashier a blank check let him (or her) run the check and give the receipt. Why do you still have to fill out the check. ARUGH that makes me crazy while standing in line. I have one item with cash and want to leave. What do you have in your purse a pack of wolves?

Who are your contacts?

Okay back to jokes:

A motorcycle policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman, looking over his motorcycle sunglasses he replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!

Okay I like this one. Cops are sometimes so not smart.

What do you get when . . .

Okay no lame and bad jokes today. I think politics is enough of a joke. The dems, the repubs, and the white house all gather together for a love feast. How to fix the immigration problem?

The solution, sort of legalize everyone. I am thinking all these dudes had some serious RFI Shielding on them when thinking about this. I mean really . . . what were they thinking.

I am wondering what are the odds this will be passed. I think it will not. To many groups have to much to lose if this thing passes.

Rush and Leno

I was trying to find a good joke on rehab and I ran into this. I know what bothers me about this. I just really do not like and find that there is always two sets of rules. One for the rich and one for the not so rich and not so famous.

Why do people put up with this. I stopped listening to Rush a long time ago. Though I have caught him at times. In any case just say you were wrong and get on. Maybe Bill was not so bad.

The bottom like is . . . if you need help there is no shame. Hiding it there is shame.



"After five weeks of drug rehab, Rush went back to doing his radio show. He told his audience just because he was doing something that was contradictory to what he was telling other people to do, that doesn't mean he was a hypocrite. I thought that was the definition! He told his radio audience that he never lied to the public, he lied to himself. And today Bill Clinton went 'This guy's good.'" —Jay Leno

Customer Service

Purchasing Powell furniture, a customer service story:

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

--

I can imagine that this is about normal. One time when I was working at a tech support rep, I had someone buy our product. I had to tell them how to put the computer together.

Robots and Dinner

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited
to be seated, he noticed that the maitre d' was a robot. The robot clicked
to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to
converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."Intrigued, the man
said, "OK." The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what
is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar
space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most
impressed. The next day he returned, with his Best Diet Pills in hand, but thought he would try a different
tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered,
Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores,
and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-I-n-g t-o n-o-m-I-n-a-t-e
H-I-l-l-a-r-y?"

----
I really like this joke. Of course I am of the opinion that if Hil-BIl is nominated it will guarantee the Republicans a solid victory. There is a about .001% chance that hil-bil could be elected. Why? Her, negatives are to high.

Have a mirthful day.

Trial of the century

I was wondering what was the trial of the century in the 20th century. By all counts not including all the Diet Trial arguments, there is about 18 trials of the century.

Here is my list:

1906: The trial of Harry Thaw
1907: The trial of “Big Bill” Haywood
1921: The Sacco and Vanzetti trial
1921: The trial of "Fatty" Arbuckle
1924: The trial of Nathan Leopold & Richard Loeb
1925: The Scopes “Monkey” Trial
1931-37: The Scottsboro trials
1935: The Lindbergh baby kidnapping trial
1946: Nazi War Crimes Trial
1951: The trial of Ethel and Julius Rosenberg
1954/1966: The trials of Sam Sheppard (The Fugutive)
1967: The Mississippi Burning Trial
1969: The "Chicago Seven" Trial
1970: The trial of Charles Manson
1971: Roe v. Wade
1976: Patty Hearst
1992/1993: The Los Angeles Police Officers' “Rodney King beating” Trial
1995: The trial of O.J. Simpson
1999: The Clinton impeachment trial

I think that Roe v. Wade has the most lasting impact. Nothing for a media circus is better then OJ or Clinton.

Tyranny

First, I would like to say this is a lame and a bad joke. But it is not. Three stories in three days. First, the FBI is violating the Patriot Act and violating the privacy of people. We have to admit this is a total shock. Nay, I am stunned.

Second, the wonderful private paradise of Sweden is not so great after all. They have been spying on their own people's phone calls for ten years.

Third, the state of england is amazing. They are the most observed and watched country in the world. Now, they have ot give up all kinds of private info to obtain a passport. I do not think that China pays such close attention to their people. It looks like some Orlando Condos may be the only safe place left.

Food Jokes

I found some more bad jokes

DIET PUNS: Riddle/pun:
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SKINNY PERSON AND A FAT PERSON?
Answer: THE SKINNY PERON IS VERY LEAN AND THE FAT PERSON IS VERY JELL-OUS.

Remember: NOTHING DENTURED, NOTHING GAINED.

Also for the punny: Some things are worth the WEIGHT. Ice cream is worth it.

How many Fat Burner does it take to lose a pound?
Let me light a match and find out.


Okay how about?

FOOD: YOU CAN'T WIN; YOU CAN'T LOSE.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE TASTE, IT GOES TO WASTE.

IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TASTE, IT GOES TO WAIST.

Well have a happy day.

Another IRS

True Story,

A person had a huge RV. HE would ship this back and forth and travelled everywhere. The plate is: IRS IOU

IRS

Still Another Fun Joke.

THE IRS LETTER...

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!

It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
Sincerly,

Chaos and Economics

Someone told me recently about an architect, a surgeon, and economist. The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' Th e architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'

I overheard this joke at a catholic gifts store. The person who told the joke was an economist professor. Give all the garbage over the federal budget . . . Am I surprised at the amount of chaos that has been generated. Each side whines about the other and each other blames other.

We need a third party in the United States.

100 Yards Out

This joke was sent to me by my wife. I know this has been going around for awhile.


A golfer was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him; "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.

The funny part is that I was in between the 100 yard markers trying to make it on to the green when she called me and told me the joke. Fortunately, I was on the 17th hole. I then finished the 18th and went home quickly.

Baby sitting

I was recently asked to baby-sit a local set of triplets. Why? Dad is overseas in Iraq. Mom is at home and wanted to get out. So my wife went with here. I had the privilege of juggling these small kids.

I have to admit juggling triplets is not easy. At least I had the Emily crib beneath where I was juggling. Of course the mom was not happy when she saw all the damage to her ceiling fan. Okay, so I got carried away while juggling.

It is not like any of them fell or anything. So there is a little damage to the ceiling fan. At least she got to spend some time out.

I am still not sure why my wife is mad at me . . . maybe we can have triplets.

Before any one has a moo-moo out there remember the title of the blog.

Bubba And Al

Out at an DELETED, two rednecks, Bubba Bill and Al, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookie thar up ahead, Al, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Al said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".

"What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Al. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Al. "We're on the patch"!

I was reading this and thinking about Bubba Clinton and Al. As you may recall a few years ago when going around in 92, they were trying to be good ole' redneck boys.

What I find funny about this is how all has ended. Bubba Bill to the Anti-Bubba mecca of Moo York City, and he became the first black president.

Bubba Al, goes on to hurt a real bubba in george. Now Al the boy is running around the countryside still trying to say he should have been president. Well Bubba Al, Justice Scalia says, get over it.

Me in a Leotard

So I received a printable greeting cards yesterday from a friend. She had put into the card this old and lame joke.

(outside cover) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

(inside cover) so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

(Inside main) I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

I do not wear leotards . . . but this is still a funny joke that makes me laugh. I wonder how bad it would be if I had to get into a leotard. No wonder, we went to shorts and t-shirts. Now, I just have to buy a t-shirt and maybe I can start working out and sweating.

Of course you can go to google and find one yourself.

Republican In The Porch

A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"


Comments: The only problem with this joke is that both dems and repubs would be screwing someone.

Clinton In Heaven's Gate

George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink."
Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?"

The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders"


Comments: I love this joke.

Welcome To Lame, Bad, or Old Jokes

This blog is for old jokes.

Usually old jokes are good, sometimes bad, and sometime lame.

Read here as we explore bad, lame, old jokes.