So now that Hallmark has their Christmas junk out . . . it is time for christmas gift ideas, so as a public service here are some items not to get:
For Dad: a condom and a book on being discreet
For Mom: a basic cookbook
For Sister: a vibrator
For Brother: an vibrator for men
For Uncle: A book of bad jokes.
I will keep up my helps for the next several months.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Finding Video
I was looking for jokes on panties. To go with the padded panty idea. However, all I found were videos. Not let's be real. I am not into videos on the web. I think they are over rated.
There was a cool one of Chris Angel guessing colors of panties. That was a little weird. Of course I think he is a little weird. I am just not into tons of videos and watching youtube all day long.
Have a happy day
There was a cool one of Chris Angel guessing colors of panties. That was a little weird. Of course I think he is a little weird. I am just not into tons of videos and watching youtube all day long.
Have a happy day
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Old Ads
I was thinking of things the other day.
I really miss the old Samsonite commercials. The one that I really liked was the gorillia one. The gorillia would beat up the suitcase. And the idea was the suitcase was really tough.
I have always thought it was a really funny ad. Why are they not the same these days.
Have a happy day.
I really miss the old Samsonite commercials. The one that I really liked was the gorillia one. The gorillia would beat up the suitcase. And the idea was the suitcase was really tough.
I have always thought it was a really funny ad. Why are they not the same these days.
Have a happy day.
Trains
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying...
"All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now.. Cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your as*es on the train... cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a leasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the outdoor kitchen."
Okay I know this is really bad. But makes sense.
"All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now.. Cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your as*es on the train... cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a leasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the outdoor kitchen."
Okay I know this is really bad. But makes sense.
Oprea
You have asked for lame. You have asked for Bad. You have asked for Old. You have asked for Jokes.
Well three out of four ain't bad.
HERSCHEL WAXMAN, a Broadway treasurer of long experience and now vice president of the Treasurers and Ticket Sellers Union Local No. 751, recalls an incident that took place one day when he was the man behind the ticket grill: "We always have people complaining that they can't see or can't hear so they need the best home theater seating in the house. But one woman, she was classic. She needed two seats down front on the aisle because her husband had arthritis in his right leg. But his left shoulder pained him, too, and she didn't want him too exposed to the air conditioning. I said, 'So, you want your husband on the right aisle because of his bad right leg, on the left aisle because of his bad left shoulder, and in the middle, surrounded by people, because of the air conditioning?' She looked at me defiantly and said, 'Well, I'm paying.' "
-----
WHEN I was a university theatre director, my wife was once asked by one of her clients about her plans for the upcoming weekend. "I think I'll watch my husband's play," she replied. "Oh," the client said. "How many do you have?"
Well three out of four ain't bad.
HERSCHEL WAXMAN, a Broadway treasurer of long experience and now vice president of the Treasurers and Ticket Sellers Union Local No. 751, recalls an incident that took place one day when he was the man behind the ticket grill: "We always have people complaining that they can't see or can't hear so they need the best home theater seating in the house. But one woman, she was classic. She needed two seats down front on the aisle because her husband had arthritis in his right leg. But his left shoulder pained him, too, and she didn't want him too exposed to the air conditioning. I said, 'So, you want your husband on the right aisle because of his bad right leg, on the left aisle because of his bad left shoulder, and in the middle, surrounded by people, because of the air conditioning?' She looked at me defiantly and said, 'Well, I'm paying.' "
-----
WHEN I was a university theatre director, my wife was once asked by one of her clients about her plans for the upcoming weekend. "I think I'll watch my husband's play," she replied. "Oh," the client said. "How many do you have?"
Another Bad Joke
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stools and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
-----
I like this joke as it is easy to make laugh at the reactions of a drunk person. OF course the person has inflicted this upon themselves. The question is always, why?
Have a happy day
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stools and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
-----
I like this joke as it is easy to make laugh at the reactions of a drunk person. OF course the person has inflicted this upon themselves. The question is always, why?
Have a happy day
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Counting the cost
Okay speaking of lame and bad things . . . I was wondering how many graduation announcements a college senior needs to send out to get $1000.
I mean why do you send them out. Simple. Cash. What better reason. then you have to write all those graduation thank you notes. And they have to be written by hand.
For the most part you now have to prove that you can read and write. And lord help you if you misspell something to Auntie Fru-Fru who was an english teacher.
I mean why do you send them out. Simple. Cash. What better reason. then you have to write all those graduation thank you notes. And they have to be written by hand.
For the most part you now have to prove that you can read and write. And lord help you if you misspell something to Auntie Fru-Fru who was an english teacher.
How Many
Question: How many enginers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Eight. One to actually screw in the light bulb. Five to discuss which way to turn the light bulb along with other options. And two managers to confuse the issues.
Question: How many Air Jordans does it take to cross the road?
Answer: Only two and depends on how fast you are running?
Answer: Eight. One to actually screw in the light bulb. Five to discuss which way to turn the light bulb along with other options. And two managers to confuse the issues.
Question: How many Air Jordans does it take to cross the road?
Answer: Only two and depends on how fast you are running?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Drug Test Kit.
So I went to the store to pick up my faux wood blinds from them.
And I saw an odd thing. There was a home drug testing unit. First I did not know they have such things.
Second . . . well it was broken into and stolen.
What message does that send to your teen. I will give you a hint. A bad one.
And I saw an odd thing. There was a home drug testing unit. First I did not know they have such things.
Second . . . well it was broken into and stolen.
What message does that send to your teen. I will give you a hint. A bad one.
Profession Jokes
Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
and of course
"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."
"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."
Have a most happy day.
and of course
"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."
"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."
Have a most happy day.
School Jikes
I am finding jokes for school to be good
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk beds?
Becasue he had a high resting potential.
Okay I know that it is bad.
How much money do you have when you combine touch, vision, smell, hearing and taste?
Five Scents.
Okay more bad one.
Have a happy day.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk beds?
Becasue he had a high resting potential.
Okay I know that it is bad.
How much money do you have when you combine touch, vision, smell, hearing and taste?
Five Scents.
Okay more bad one.
Have a happy day.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
More Jokes On Money
Bull Market is a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market is a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
An investment property is where you get property in which you cannot live.
Have a happy day
Bear Market is a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
An investment property is where you get property in which you cannot live.
Have a happy day
Clinton goes to Hell
Okay, I found a good about good ole' Wiley X aka slick willy, aka Bill Clinton
Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity. He opens the first door and Bill sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says, "Oh no. That's not how I want to spend eternity..."
The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."
The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex.
Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I'll take it!"
The Devil then says, "Good..... Hey Monica, you've been replaced..."
Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity. He opens the first door and Bill sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says, "Oh no. That's not how I want to spend eternity..."
The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."
The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex.
Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I'll take it!"
The Devil then says, "Good..... Hey Monica, you've been replaced..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
